For over 150 years, numerous scientific studies have demonstrated that married men tend to enjoy better health than their single counterparts. Although there are certainly exceptions, research indicates couples may enjoy better physical and mental health than singles. There are many possible factors that contribute to this. For example, having a social safety net provides a buffer against the significant stressors in life. So if marriage and other long-term relationships are so desirable, why are there so many single men in America?
The Rise in the Number of Lonely Single Men in the U.S.
If you happen to be a heterosexual, single man who has trouble getting second dates and you’re starting to think that it’s harder than ever to forge a relationship, you’re probably right. According to a Pew Research Center study, there has been an increase in the number of U.S. adults who are living without a spouse or any sort of partner. About four in every 10 adults (38%) between the ages of 25 and 54 do not have a partner. That percentage is up sharply from 30 years ago, when it stood at 29%.
Furthermore, that increase is more pronounced among men than in women. In 1990, men and women within that age group were equally likely to be single. Yet, about 30 years later, 39% of men lack a partner, compared to 36% of women. The study notes that the difference cannot be explained by an increase in the median age of marriage. So, what’s behind the rise of lonely, single men?
The Factors That May Contribute to Single Status in Men
Every individual has unique experiences with dating, and issues that may affect one man may have no bearing on another’s situation. However, there are some general trends that should be considered.
First, many people these days use dating apps to try to meet people. Of the approximately 90 million people who use location-based dating apps (globally), about 62% are male. That statistic alone lessens the chances of men successfully finding a female match, and it means that women looking for a man can be selective about who they date.
Other statistics give some weight to the theory of dating standards becoming more selective for women. In a survey of Tinder usage, men spend 7.2 minutes in an average session, whereas women spend 8.5 minutes in an average session as they consider their options. In addition, men tend to swipe “like” on 46% of profiles they are shown, whereas women only “like” 14% of men’s profiles.
If women can afford to be more selective about who they date, what exactly are they looking for? By and large, modern women prefer men who are emotionally stable and emotionally available. They’re also looking for men who are committed to open communication and have strong emotional intelligence. They often have little patience for men who demonstrate an unwillingness to communicate about non-superficial topics (e.g. settling down and starting a family).
The Steps Lonely Single Men Can Take to Forge a Healthy Relationship
Marching in lockstep with the trend of the increasing numbers of single men in America is the trend of those lonely single men turning to the “alpha male” ideal. The concept of the alpha male argues that men need to be strong, aggressive, emotionally inexpressive, and dominant in relationships. This goes hand-in-hand with toxic masculinity. Lonely single men may fall into the trap of believing that they have to become alpha males in order to be worthy of finding a partner.
Yet, the alpha male ideal is actually the polar opposite of what most modern women tend to look for in a partner. A woman who is interested in an emotionally available and communicative partner is unlikely to be attracted to a man who is aggressive, domineering, and emotionally inexpressive. Instead, she’ll look for someone who is confident without being aggressive, emotionally stable, and empathetic regarding the needs of others.
In short, if you’re a lonely single man, ditch the idea of becoming an alpha male. Instead, consider talking to a therapist. Therapy can help you overcome emotional insecurities that may have arisen due to childhood traumas or a lack of self-confidence. Therapy can also help you improve your communication skills, emotional intelligence, and empathy. By learning how to be receptive to the viewpoints and feelings of other people, you can become a more attractive potential mate. After all, building a long-term, stable, healthy relationship starts with having a healthy, positive view of yourself.
At Integrated Behavioral Health, you can work with compassionate mental health providers who genuinely care about helping you achieve better wellness and emotional intelligence. Our psychiatrists and therapists provide a complete range of mental health services, including counseling, medication management, and inpatient and outpatient care. Contact us today to find a location in Alabama near you and to request an appointment.